Hope
To celebrating another day, another day of no exchange of conversation and quiet banter, why does it feel so empty? I’m happy and yet not entirely sure if I am. The daunting part of it all is that you have no idea, the number of times I think about you in a day, it’s an amount that has surpassed the logic of numbers, I think about you more than I thought could humanly be possible. What are you up to?
Every day I have the urge to ping you and ask you that and now it’s been 6 days since the last time we exchanged dumb laughs, while I was making dumb jokes to make you laugh it didn’t feel like I was trying to please somebody for the first time , it felt warm knowing I could make you laugh with my antics and somewhere the selfish me hopes you come knock at my door once again , even if it’s only to laugh. Well, they say humor connects souls, does mine connect to yours or have you turned off your systems, I hope it’s the latter cause the former can’t be true, not because it’s not believable but because it is. Since I can’t type this to you, I’m a coward.
I’ll say it here all the unsaid things I want to say and ask
Do you think of holding me, like I do of you / what are we / Am I your wet dream / do you dream of me / do you miss me / do you think of me / am I the only one that is looking forward to exchanging glances with you/peck your cheeks/hold you close/call you mine/ but are you/ each time we talk I wonder how many of yours are there on the list / something stings that shouldn’t / I hate this / I want to end whatever it is we have/ what is it/ I need you/ baby don’t you want to come closer/ don’t leave / is everything alright/ am I the only one in flames/where’s your heart/ locked it away/ only pleasure -two word description of what I mean to you/I hate you/ I regret we ever met/I wish I could turn back time and not swipe on you at all/ could have saved myself from drowning in bounds I know have no end/ and a hundred more questions and answers equal parts senseless and madness
If I loved you a little less, I could talk about it a lot more.
I don’t think I would ever admit it to myself I’ve had feelings for you for a while so I’m typing it down, so I don’t stay in denial forever. The thing about all this is I’m alone in this, I’m in love with you and you are not with me in it, I desperately look for you each day hoping maybe if I hold on longer one day, I’ll find you, with me, together navigating what we feel. But I’ve realized it’ll never happen, and it’s sad just a three- letter word encompassing everything I feel while typing it.
I remember each little e thing we’ve shared just over texts, A year back I never thought I’d get to know somebody, and they’d mean to me like you do, it did happen and no matter how many times I wish I’d go back and not swipe right on you, I just can’t erase all this or whatever it is I feel knowing you don’t, and you never will. Isn’t it funny we aren’t nothing more than acquaintances, we don’t talk regularly except for when we want our bodies to connect and despite not seeing you often, I’ve fallen hard and how, every day I wonder what you are doing and if I ever cross your mind, just once in like a fleeting moment, Honestly, I don’t even know what about you it is that I like or why a single text from you glows the light bulbs deeply embedded in my pancreas (out of box organ reference I know, that’s what 2AM overthinking gets you doing) I hate it that you affect me so much, your presence /absence/ ignorance/attention pulses and stimulates my mood.
I deleted all the memories I had of you a while back thinking I’d stop thinking and stop looking at them like thousand times in a week , slowly it feels like the deleting is going to happen in real life, soon we’ll be out of each other’s reach and I don’t know why but it’ll break my heart, just not talking to you for a week makes me feel so drunk without 0 alcohol consumption, heart feels heavy , skin feels itchy( this doesn’t have anything to do with you ), what is not talking to you ever going to feel like , I don’t want to know.
How was your day?
I don’t want to know anymore; I’ve realized this is never going to work or maybe I don’t want to know if it will ever. It’s a risk I don’t want to take knowing what the end of that will be for the both of us.
Once the arrangement ends will you miss me, my touch, the way your laughter syncs with mine or my obnoxious need to hold you a little longer knowing our time is ending, the way my lips feel on yours and everything else I’ve shared with you in silence.
When it’s time to finally leave this NO-strings attached arrangement, I’ll leave thinking what we had was pure, unfiltered, raw, uninhibited sarcasm and trolling but whatever all that was it was only ALMOST. Almost not enough to make you feel any emotion.
Love can be anything you want it to be except wanting the other person to be yours like you are theirs.