TEMPORARY
People have strange ways of walking into our lives and even stranger ways of walking out of them.
I wasn’t looking for a relationship, intimacy, support, and security
But like most 20-year old’s I wanted to explore
Thought, this would be easy
NO-Strings attached
That’s what I want, I told myself
And in you walked
Shattering all the things I told myself I didn’t want
I was scared to give in, to be vulnerable
To let myself feel the things
You made me feel and still do
In you walked and brought all my fears to life
I want to walk away, trust me I do
Every time I take a step, I’m left feeling gutted
It haunts me, the thought of
Not being able to talk to you
I hate the way I feel
The way I let you in
I’d undo it if I could
Every time I decide to not text you
I find my fingers on the keyboard typing their life away
Telling you about my day
Like you’d want to know
Out of courtesy or pity you do reply with a oh, okay
That’s all the signal my head needs to start the alarm,
Stop right now and delete his number
It triggers my senses
I still don’t stop typing and ask
How was your day?
I don’t get a reply
And I’m left contemplating
What I said wrong
Why can you not fall for me
I shut my phone
Thinking I’d give you time
You are probably busy
Minutes turn into hours
Hours into days
Little do you know I’m still waiting to know
How your day went
The alarm is triggered for the 85th time in 8 days
Saying I should stop selling myself short
Stop hoping you feel something for me too
When you fall for someone
Subconsciously you try to convince yourself
Even the most mundane things they have done
For you, you think
Is because you mean something to them
Is because there’s concern
There’s joy
All the above delusions only give
The word that has ruined it all for me
HOPE
Hope, that you were busy
My text didn’t reach you
The thing about hope is
I’m making excuses to cover
Facing the truth
You don’t like me
You didn’t text me back
Because you didn’t want to
Not because you couldn’t
You made that choice
After all this while
Tears soaking the pillow
On my couch
One hand wipe’s them away
And the other is off
To ask you
How are you?
In hope that you’d want to know
How I have been,
Since the day
I said something stupid
And you laughed
Ever since you asked me for the first time
If I was okay
I send the text
You see it
I want to run away
And I do
For the first time in 8 days
I listen to my head
Drop my phone
Falls on the carpet
Trembling 10 seconds later
I pick it up
And I see
You’ve left me on read
I want to hold you
And ask you why
I should be happy instead,
You lost me
It’s your loss
Why am I not
So, I do, what I shouldn’t
I call you
You pick up
I don’t know what to say anymore
I cut the call
It’s been a month
Since then
There’s no text anymore
Your name doesn’t pop on my screen
Walking by the junk aisle in the supermarket
I see a Gatorade on a dusty shelve
Instantly I’m thrown off
With the familiar hands grabbing them
I turn and walk away
Hey, calls the voice I long for
I turn and seeing you
In your element
Frizzy hair
Tattooed arm
Sucks the breath out of my lungs
You were leaving your cart behind
Don’t you want them,
I’d be glad to take some things from here
You snicker, and smile with the charm
I want to slap away
Do you not recognize me?
Am I just another stranger to you, now?
If I loved you a little less
I’d be able to talk about it a lot more
Jane Austen said that
Well, why Jane
Why is it so hard to express?
And even harder to walk away
Guess stranger has a new definition now
Its not just a person you don’t know
Sometimes it’s somebody you know too well
Or maybe, you thought you did
From not having a label for what you meant to me
To now knowing what I have been
All this while to you- a stranger
It’s finally time to move on
